GUEST POST BY Daniel Snowling
The jealousy that we experience in a relationship comes from the fear of separation which to one degree or another we all have, no one likes to have things taken from them. Where this fear comes from however is individual to the person involved, be it from the early childhood experiences we experienced like the loss of a loved one or the death of the family pet or even as early as when we are forced to stop nursing.
Whatever the cause of these feelings of loss is, many people long for a source of continuity which is fulfilled when they enter a relationship. However, once they have a new symbol of stability in their life, they can become fearful that they are going to lose them, insecurity pops up and suddenly they’re thinking: What if they cheat on me? What if she/he leaves again? What if they find someone else?
But here’s some news for you this is ok! This is completely natural and rational thinking, the problem starts when we become so fixated on these ideas to the point of anxiety and obsession. Our lives become so ruled by the fear of separation that these insecurities become a detriment to your relationship and when this happens you are essentially at the mercy of your partner. All your actions, your behaviours and your decisions will revolve around them and this state of mind is extremely unhealthy because you will start to view your partner as something that they are not and that is some one who is there to fill the void we have been carrying for our whole life.
The advice I offer to those that experience these thoughts of jealousy and insecurities is this…Focus on yourself. This does not mean your relationship diminishes in importance or that you should avoid a relationship altogether. What it means is for you to focus on making yourself less dependent on your partner and concentrate on being the best that you can be. This is not an easy thing to do and it’s something you may never accomplish, but the moment you let go of the shackles you hold for your partner, the moment you can stand by yourself, feel confident about yourself and believe in yourself and start growing as a person is the moment at which your relationship can grow as well. You must teach yourself not to rely on others to make you happy, what’s more, you should do what makes you happy.
I’ve met far too many people who when in a relationship tend to lean on the other person, they rely on that other person so much that they are swept away from what it means to be in a mature relationship. In which there are two individuals who want not only to improve the lives of their partners but also themselves. They do not lean on each other, rather they balance each other and give support to one another when needed, they share in each others’ lives and love and are free in and of themselves.
But life is uncertain, you may find that for one reason or another your partner does leave, they might move on, but because you are comfortable with yourself and because you have grown as an individual, you will be ok with it. You do not need to fear those that might leave you or lie to you because you are free, you let go of those shackles, the weight that was forcing you down has been lifted and there you now stand, an individual proud to be yourself.
Work on being all you can be and your relationship will reflect that.