As most girls, if not all of them, I spend a lot of time complaining about my body. My thighs are gigantic, my arms are flabby, I have three chins – the usual. I try to be happy with what I have and embrace it but that normally only lasts a couple of days and I’m back thinking to myself, why did I eat a whole fucking cake?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and I wonder why I spend all this money on make up and all sorts of crazy creams and light emitting storm-trooper masks to make myself look better when if I just cut back on the sugar and did a little more exercise, I would not only look better but feel better?
This isn’t just about looks either, when I eat better and I move more I feel like a totally new human, one that got up at 6 am, hit the gym and ate some avocado on… ok, so I won’t go quite that far but I do have more of a spring in my step and a hell of a lot more energy. Yet, I still choose to eat 3 takeaways in a day (not everyday but it has happened more than I like to admit).
I used to feel pressure to lose weight because I was the largest of my friendship group or because all the guys fancied Rihanna and see’s got a hot bod. Then there was a wave of bloggers and celebrities who paved the way for a curvier girl (cue Ashley Graham). While this is great and has my full support, I now feel pressure to be comfortable as I am and I’m not.
It’s great to promote being healthy and happy in your own skin but then it’s also ok to admit that your not happy and that you want to do something about it. It doesn’t necessarily make you insecure and you shouldn’t feel bad or weak for wanting to. I sometimes feel conscious about my body, you know the feeling when you catch your self in the mirror and you think why the hell did I wear this, I look like a tent. But, give me a beach or a pool and I will be there strutting around in a bikini like I am Kim K. With myself, confidence isn’t the issue.
Now I am by no means unhealthily overweight, I am the biggest I have ever been and that’s only a size 14 but no amount of soul searching or learning to love myself is going to make me not want to lose weight. I will accept that I might have cellulite and I might be able to grow a mustache thicker than any mans and I am comfortable with that but I am not comfortable with the size I am now. She says as she shovels Skittles into her mouth *jokes* that was earlier today.
What I am trying to say is that being comfortable as you are is amazing and I do envy people that feel that way but you shouldn’t beat yourself up for wanting to make changes to yourself. I have hired a personal trainer and I am really trying to eat healthy, not because I am insecure as a person but just because I want to make a change.